AUTUMN ROUNDUP

       
       I'm a Fall person. Fall is the best reason to live on the East Coast. If you live in New York City it's pretty much the only time of the year, except for the first 10 minutes after a fresh snow, that there is some sort of natural beauty amongst the urban sprawl. Unless of course you count the red and white hues of homeless acne and rosacea among your favorite things, and that was just so 90's anyway.
    My birthday is also in the Fall, on Oct. 12, and it's a great time to be a pale bastard. People of Any Color Whatsoever don't understand what it is like to be truly "white". I also have blue eyes which means for half of July and the month of August I'm pretty much a squinting recluse in search of air conditioning, passable daytime movies to see, and catch up on American Chopper episodes taped in the Fall. Autumn is where the pale really shine as dressers. We get to cover our pasty bodies with earth toned layers and the rest of the world is slowly losing their Summer color and joining us in looking like a level 1 patient in the sick bay of The Mayflower.

    Fall fucking rules so much it's the one thing that bugs people from California. They can dismiss the Winter and snow with " - it only looks good for a day then lasts 6 months" or "too cold for me." bullshit. They also love to brag how every day there is beautiful and that "you gotta eat a fish taco or you will end up unhappy and alone." but they try and pretend that Fall is something that only exists in Woody Allen movies and Men's Vogue  magazine photo spreads involving Richard Gere holding a football and thinking about Tibet. It bugs them, it's the one thing they can't get thats awesome. That and redheaded chicks.
  By far though my favorite thing about the Fall is basketball. Hoops define Fall to me, and anyone who played youth basketball remembers what it was like running to your parents car in shorts and sneakers through dry leaves on a shockingly cold 39 degree night and smelling that Fall smell of decaying leaves and cold air. This year, there may be no basketball. As I type this on my 1997 Dell computer that sucks so hard it's got a guest starring role on "Whitney.", the NBA owners and players are meeting with a mediator in what is being called a "Do or Die" conference, which brings me to my first point in my lazy Shaughnessy-esque Fall Roundup or "Gripes and Cripes/Happies and Crappies":

THE NBA LOCKOUT - This is a toughie. Who is right in this dispute? No one of course. It's money money money. The owners wanted a hard salary cap. For non fans: This means that every team in the league has the same amount of money to spend on players thus hopefully making the entire league more evenly matched and give every team a chance to win the championship once in awhile, thus again, spreading the money around a bit as well as saving the currently cash strapped owners some money in the process. The players of course oppose this plan as it will hurt their income. A lot of these guys were becoming great basketball players while the economy was booming and now that they are in the pros they won't be making as much money as their predecessors. They should try doing stand up comedy, I'll be lucky if I make as much money in my whole career as Kevin Meaney made in 1989.  The owners have budged on the hard cap idea, and the negotiations have divulged into minutia that no one could give a shit about. This lockout could last awhile because Derek Fisher( head of the players union) and the union's attorneys continue to look like clowns on TV. NBATV ( a cable network owned by the NBA and their owners) keeps re-running this press conference where D-Fish stands in a suit stuttering into a microphone while 20 players stand behind him on stage dressed like shit either in sweat suits or looking scary and rocking back and forth like they do to stay loose during the National Anthem, (one hilarious moment came when JaVale McGee went to the bathroom and told 15 reporters "The players are about to fold"). NBA-TV is also showing Teen Wolf about 3 times a day. I wish that were a joke. Prediction? A half a season this year and it's lame. And I bet Paul Pierce comes back fat. I hope not, but I have a bad feeling.

THE RED SOX COLLAPSE - The only enjoyable aspect of this clusterfuck is watching people who know nothing about sports try and maintain conversations. I will never understand why someone who doesn't know what they are talking about will try and skate by on one line they read in a Mike Barnicle column 6 years ago about "driving the ball opposite field" and think no ones going to be on to you. This town is full of people who watch basketball games and complain about every missed shot ("AW HE SHOULDA MADE THAT!"), these are the same people who you pass every day, confusing Theo and Tito, wondering if we can still sign Kevin Millar, and signing up for Sweet Caroline at karaoke night. You know, FUCKING POSERS! That's what I'm hoping comes out of this whole debacle. Maybe we can shake off some of these lame ass fans we've aquired since 2004? I travel out of state quite a bit and let me tell you, we look like assholes. John Henry is a bagillionaire playboy who had a great time turning a failing business (the Sox) into a very profitable one (from 2004 to now) That's what great business dudes do, they flip business' like that dude on Bravo flips houses. That's why  if you put 4 wheels on Fenway Park it would look like a NASCAR Monte Carlo with more ads, and I hate that I may even have just given that idea to Rousch racing or whatever the fuck.
No predictions here, we have to wait and see where this heads. But here is a plea to my fellow fans: Enough with the wave. Enough with The "Yankees Suck". Enough with the "Sweet Caroline". Enough with leaving in the 6th. Enough with taking your babies to games for a photo. In fact, enough with the photos.
I also have a revolutionary idea where people stop buying officially licensed merchandise and we all start wearing homemade Red Sox gear, taking the team back in the only way that would affect the greedy owners, with money. Although that idea does sound a little hippy dippy like the folks down at:

OCCUPY BOSTON - I went down and checked this out with a buddy of mine. I've been following both the Occupiers and The Boston Police on Twitter, and it was a hoot to watch them communicate with 140 characters or less. With the Boston Police using words like "b4" and "u" to get points across. We went down on the night they got booted from their expansion, which I think was actually kind of fair because they didn't really have the numbers yet to take that spot over, and I found it funny how a bunch of the 99% was getting greedy about space. My friends know I rarely get too involved in political discussion, but I do wish these people luck. From my experience down there they seem about 65% good people with passionate political beliefs and a desperate desire for change, the rest seem like anarchist nutjobs who would love nothing more than to have tear gas thrown at them so they have a great story to tell a girl with 19 nostrils. This was just that night though, I did watch some of the video of the police "brutality" and , there was more flopping going on than if you got 22 Anderson Varejao's to play a game of soccer.

But at least they're standing up against these rich fucks. So many people in the world never got out of high school, when you are poor and you blindly support the "1%" or Wall St,  you are no better than a fat ugly girl whose always telling the cheerleader how pretty she is and hanging in the background in case she asks you to a party. Guess what? You're fat ass is never getting invited to the party, and you're never gonna be a cheerleader. In fact, the cheerleader doesn't know you exist and she'd kill if you threaten her spot on the team.
This ended weird. This is why I don't get into politics, it always just turns into me talking about Cheerleading.