AUTUMN ROUNDUP

       
       I'm a Fall person. Fall is the best reason to live on the East Coast. If you live in New York City it's pretty much the only time of the year, except for the first 10 minutes after a fresh snow, that there is some sort of natural beauty amongst the urban sprawl. Unless of course you count the red and white hues of homeless acne and rosacea among your favorite things, and that was just so 90's anyway.
    My birthday is also in the Fall, on Oct. 12, and it's a great time to be a pale bastard. People of Any Color Whatsoever don't understand what it is like to be truly "white". I also have blue eyes which means for half of July and the month of August I'm pretty much a squinting recluse in search of air conditioning, passable daytime movies to see, and catch up on American Chopper episodes taped in the Fall. Autumn is where the pale really shine as dressers. We get to cover our pasty bodies with earth toned layers and the rest of the world is slowly losing their Summer color and joining us in looking like a level 1 patient in the sick bay of The Mayflower.

    Fall fucking rules so much it's the one thing that bugs people from California. They can dismiss the Winter and snow with " - it only looks good for a day then lasts 6 months" or "too cold for me." bullshit. They also love to brag how every day there is beautiful and that "you gotta eat a fish taco or you will end up unhappy and alone." but they try and pretend that Fall is something that only exists in Woody Allen movies and Men's Vogue  magazine photo spreads involving Richard Gere holding a football and thinking about Tibet. It bugs them, it's the one thing they can't get thats awesome. That and redheaded chicks.
  By far though my favorite thing about the Fall is basketball. Hoops define Fall to me, and anyone who played youth basketball remembers what it was like running to your parents car in shorts and sneakers through dry leaves on a shockingly cold 39 degree night and smelling that Fall smell of decaying leaves and cold air. This year, there may be no basketball. As I type this on my 1997 Dell computer that sucks so hard it's got a guest starring role on "Whitney.", the NBA owners and players are meeting with a mediator in what is being called a "Do or Die" conference, which brings me to my first point in my lazy Shaughnessy-esque Fall Roundup or "Gripes and Cripes/Happies and Crappies":

THE NBA LOCKOUT - This is a toughie. Who is right in this dispute? No one of course. It's money money money. The owners wanted a hard salary cap. For non fans: This means that every team in the league has the same amount of money to spend on players thus hopefully making the entire league more evenly matched and give every team a chance to win the championship once in awhile, thus again, spreading the money around a bit as well as saving the currently cash strapped owners some money in the process. The players of course oppose this plan as it will hurt their income. A lot of these guys were becoming great basketball players while the economy was booming and now that they are in the pros they won't be making as much money as their predecessors. They should try doing stand up comedy, I'll be lucky if I make as much money in my whole career as Kevin Meaney made in 1989.  The owners have budged on the hard cap idea, and the negotiations have divulged into minutia that no one could give a shit about. This lockout could last awhile because Derek Fisher( head of the players union) and the union's attorneys continue to look like clowns on TV. NBATV ( a cable network owned by the NBA and their owners) keeps re-running this press conference where D-Fish stands in a suit stuttering into a microphone while 20 players stand behind him on stage dressed like shit either in sweat suits or looking scary and rocking back and forth like they do to stay loose during the National Anthem, (one hilarious moment came when JaVale McGee went to the bathroom and told 15 reporters "The players are about to fold"). NBA-TV is also showing Teen Wolf about 3 times a day. I wish that were a joke. Prediction? A half a season this year and it's lame. And I bet Paul Pierce comes back fat. I hope not, but I have a bad feeling.

THE RED SOX COLLAPSE - The only enjoyable aspect of this clusterfuck is watching people who know nothing about sports try and maintain conversations. I will never understand why someone who doesn't know what they are talking about will try and skate by on one line they read in a Mike Barnicle column 6 years ago about "driving the ball opposite field" and think no ones going to be on to you. This town is full of people who watch basketball games and complain about every missed shot ("AW HE SHOULDA MADE THAT!"), these are the same people who you pass every day, confusing Theo and Tito, wondering if we can still sign Kevin Millar, and signing up for Sweet Caroline at karaoke night. You know, FUCKING POSERS! That's what I'm hoping comes out of this whole debacle. Maybe we can shake off some of these lame ass fans we've aquired since 2004? I travel out of state quite a bit and let me tell you, we look like assholes. John Henry is a bagillionaire playboy who had a great time turning a failing business (the Sox) into a very profitable one (from 2004 to now) That's what great business dudes do, they flip business' like that dude on Bravo flips houses. That's why  if you put 4 wheels on Fenway Park it would look like a NASCAR Monte Carlo with more ads, and I hate that I may even have just given that idea to Rousch racing or whatever the fuck.
No predictions here, we have to wait and see where this heads. But here is a plea to my fellow fans: Enough with the wave. Enough with The "Yankees Suck". Enough with the "Sweet Caroline". Enough with leaving in the 6th. Enough with taking your babies to games for a photo. In fact, enough with the photos.
I also have a revolutionary idea where people stop buying officially licensed merchandise and we all start wearing homemade Red Sox gear, taking the team back in the only way that would affect the greedy owners, with money. Although that idea does sound a little hippy dippy like the folks down at:

OCCUPY BOSTON - I went down and checked this out with a buddy of mine. I've been following both the Occupiers and The Boston Police on Twitter, and it was a hoot to watch them communicate with 140 characters or less. With the Boston Police using words like "b4" and "u" to get points across. We went down on the night they got booted from their expansion, which I think was actually kind of fair because they didn't really have the numbers yet to take that spot over, and I found it funny how a bunch of the 99% was getting greedy about space. My friends know I rarely get too involved in political discussion, but I do wish these people luck. From my experience down there they seem about 65% good people with passionate political beliefs and a desperate desire for change, the rest seem like anarchist nutjobs who would love nothing more than to have tear gas thrown at them so they have a great story to tell a girl with 19 nostrils. This was just that night though, I did watch some of the video of the police "brutality" and , there was more flopping going on than if you got 22 Anderson Varejao's to play a game of soccer.

But at least they're standing up against these rich fucks. So many people in the world never got out of high school, when you are poor and you blindly support the "1%" or Wall St,  you are no better than a fat ugly girl whose always telling the cheerleader how pretty she is and hanging in the background in case she asks you to a party. Guess what? You're fat ass is never getting invited to the party, and you're never gonna be a cheerleader. In fact, the cheerleader doesn't know you exist and she'd kill if you threaten her spot on the team.
This ended weird. This is why I don't get into politics, it always just turns into me talking about Cheerleading.

We filmed a brand new Lineup this morning, and the boys at TAUNTR.com were nice enough to put together this cool GIF for me from last weeks outtakes. Now I can post on message boards like a cool person.

HOLY SHIT

Dude, going to acting school totally paid off. Just ten years later I'm finally getting straight cash to read jokes
on a web series on a much better sports site than this one called Tauntr.com.
If you're interested , the story goes like this : Occasionally I still get called into auditions because my name is on a million lists of 6 foot tall white dudes from all my years of cattle calls for Taco Bell commercials. If something calls for a stand up comic or involves a green screen I'm only on a list of 6,361. I went on a few auditions and a "call back", which is a show business term for "we may actually make eye contact with you on this one".
Luckily for me they called me last week and said I got the gig and my callback had been used for that weeks episode and I could go and watch it online at that moment. A very cool and surreal experience so far and the people who do the show are fucking nice and relaxed. Only downside is I gotta get up at 7 in the morning to do the damn thing. Ah well. At least I can catch the Nate Berkus show in its entirety.



Here they are, available weekly at Tauntr.com

WHAT THE F*** IS HAPPENING?

               April can be a tough month for a sports fan in this town. If you like basketball and baseball pretty equally, this month puts you in the position of being excited about the new season of baseball and watching your basketball team sleepwalk its way to the playoffs trying to maintain a great record without blowing out any knees or whatever random injuries await the beleaguered Celts. Has anyone ever considered that maybe sports doctors have gotten too careful? Guys spend half their careers sidelined these days with the most mysterious of medical issues ranging from migraines to the always mysterious "flu-like-symptoms" which I always assume to mean, hungover or some sort of punishment for smoking weed.

          


















               This April has been compounded by the fact that the Red Sox are off the a 0-4 start after everyone under the sun predicted the Red Sox to go 162-0. As any Kansas City stripper will tell you, the baseball season is an extremely long one, it takes up almost half the year and teams go through slumps at all times of that year, even the start. The real story about the Red Sox losing the first three games is that everyone seemed to forget that The Rangers are gang of sluggers who can crush the ball repeatedly out of their own ballpark, which they proved repeatedly in the Opening Series. 
             Speaking of the Red Sox being overly valued to start the season, I was watching hours of MLB TV to prepare myself for the upcoming season and fantasy drafts (and honestly just to watch something that looked like it was taking place someplace warm and green) and on the show I was watching they kept saying that the Sox haven't won a World Series since 2004, which is not only a gross error for a network that only covers baseball, but also a clear sign of how the people see the Sox. We're a great team, perhaps a Miami Heat like team made up of stars and money, but are we winners? Gamers? Do the Red Sox really fucking care? That's what remains to be seen.
                Baseball signifies the beginning of Spring and the end of the brutal New England winter, spring basketball meanwhile begins the slog into the much too drawn out NBA Playoffs , where the best basketball of the year is played. I do believe the Celtics are just fine right now maybe even playing possum a bit, they also seem just as bored with themselves as most of us are. My grandmother could tell you right now that if the Celtics stay healthy they're as good as anyone in the playoffs, except maybe Chicago or LA. 
         So let's not panic Boston, the Celtics are still an amazing team and as of today 4 1/2 games off the best record in the NBA and will not repeat last years mistakes. As for the Red Sox, I'm predicting MVP years from Pedroia and Ellsbury. The new guys won't wow anyone till later in the season though. I also think Lester and Clay are the meanest 1-2 in the bigs right now and I think our bullpen is our biggest weakness. 
        But what the fuck do I know it's April. So just root for your team and hate the enemy. 
     This is Jorge Posadas , the ugliest anal wart on earth's wife. 

Laura Posada

TYPICAL NY DOUCHE

Fantasy Baseball

My 2011 Fantasy Baseball Team: "Josh Hamilton's Night Out"
C: Buster Posey
1B: Prince Fielder
2B: Rickie Weeks
3B: Aramis Ramirez
SS: Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Josh Hamilton, Jacoby Ellsbury, Jay Bruce, Mike Stanton, Grady Sizemore
Bench: Elvis Andrus, Gaby Sanchez, Ike Davis, Gordon Beckham, Edwin Encarnacion, Jarod Saltamacchia

Starting Pitching:
Ubaldo Jimenez, Clay Buchholtz, Shaun Marcum, Hiroki Kuroda, Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto

In Honor Of All Star Weekend

Kobe Not Doin' Work

Check out this great NBC piece about Kobe going on pace to being a bigger asshole.

Kobe Not Doin' Work

KG is Back And He's Ready To Kill (PS The Garden Is Still Kicking Fenways Ass)

I was at the Garden last night and it was, as the NBA would say, "Amazing." Not only was the place chock full of NBA Legends with Reggie Miller, Patrick Ewing and Doc Rivers (of fucking course) in the house. But the amount of talent on the court was awesome. How many Hall of Famers were on that court?

The crowd was electric from start to finish, you could literally feel the temperature in the place

heat up. People were ripping off layers like there was a winning Powerball Ticket hidden

beneath their GAP hoodie. The game was on TNT and whenever you're at a Nationally Televised

Game there are always a lot of breaks and the game takes forever. Sometimes that sucks, but

last night it just created more and more tension between the teams and more fire inside the Celts.

In the 4th Quarter The Garden felt like a College Arena in the Final Four or at the very least an Eastern Conference Final. At this point Ray Allen caught fire like only he can and was dropping perfect rim avoiding 3's with the D draped across him like a Mr. 3 Point America Sash and it was

like watching an amazing illusion. 
Magic Tricks.

Then this moment below happened and we could relax. Gino was never coming out of course, but the cigar was lit here and we all went home as better people for what we had just seen.

The Jungle reigns supreme in the best sports park/ arena in town battle. The Fans were knowledgeable and in symphony.
I think we learned over the past few weeks what KG means to this team, here's hoping the Big Ticket doesn't get ripped up again anytime soon.

-W

Vintage Shaq Outstanding

We got some vintage Diesel last night with Shaq Fu playing 35 min, going 10 for 12, Perfect FT%, 5 REB, 2 assists, 5 (!) Blocks, with 23 points.

Outstanding.

Brazilian Smash Dance

Brazilian Rafael Araujo in a FIBA Americas League game.

Soundtrack alone makes this worth 30 seconds.

Something Weird For Sunday

Rajon Rondo throws ball at Andersen Varejao's balls

Rondo Doesn't Like You As Much As You Like Him, But That's OK.

                     When I was engaged in the never ending battle between hormones and lower leg pain that is being 14 years old I had a friend who's Dad had a very important job with The Boston Celtics. We both went to a small school , played on the same basketball team and hung out with a group of about 5 guys who decided to occasionally take breaks from jerking off 52 times a day to play hoops, talk shit and often thanks to this kid go to Celtics games and sit in fantastic seats. Another great part about this was the access to the behind the scenes world of an NBA team, and at this time, a really fucking shitty NBA team. I saw a lot of amazing things in those couple of years I was friends with this kid. Antoine Walker was typically gregarious and moody. Pervis Ellison was a sulking mass of unreached potential. Bruce Bowen was a young player just trying to stay in the league and Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were simply young flies on the wall taking it all in. I smelled Red Auerbach's cigar smoke from two rooms away before I met him and he told me to "-go down to Fanueil Hall and look at my statue."
                      Also the first black man I ever saw naked was Dee Brown. Being white, of Irish heritage and 14 years old, this was a pretty disheartening moment in my life. This is one of the coolest periods of time in my life but I rarely even talk about it, even with friends, because it's juxtaposed with me and my buddy just being goons and not really even appreciating how fucking cool the whole thing was. However, I did learn a very valuable lesson during this time. Rather, the lesson took another 10 years or so to be learned, but this was the beginning of it all, the very first in a series. I met Micheal Fucking Jordan.
                      The 1997-1998 Season was a shitty one for the Bulls. They were finally winding down off of that three peat and starting to have all the typical problems of Post Championship a team that thinks "they are all All Stars now.". Phil Jackson wanted off this uncoachable Titanic, Scottie Pippen was asking for a ludicrously large contract 2 years too late. Despite this nonsense they still made the playoffs and Jordan was named MVP for the 5th and Final time. During this season on Halloween Night the Celtics shockingly beat the defending champion Bulls 92-85 after a huge 2nd Half effort from Dana Barros and rookie Chauncey Billups.   So to be fair, you can imagine Michael was not in the best mood when I met him. I was ushered with my buddy (who was the real guy getting introduced, I was like the Turtle to his Vince standing there like an asshole) to Jordans small private converted trainer room - locker room next to the one the rest of the team used. I saw Phil Jackson answering a reporters questions with a really scary look in his eye. As we were being brought into the room by a super important dude who I will not name, but nonetheless one of maybe 8 people in the building that can walk up to MJ without a problem, and MJ just glares at us all. "Not now." Then he looks at a guy in a Bulls warmup and we're ushered out. The VIP who brought us gave us a look like "Welcome to life." and moments later, MJ came out, halfheartedly shook our hands, denied two children under age 8 his autograph and got in a town car as the rest of his team got on a bus. I learned a lesson that would take me a few more snubbings and awkward conversations with athletes and celebrities over the following years. Trust me, it's better to just stay away, admire from afar and maintain the fantasy. You always either find out the person is a dick or that you yourself are a total dick who should never speak again.

Kobe tells Rondo that sometimes "No" means "Yes".

                     That's why I'm saying right now, if I ever walk into a Dunkin Donuts and Rajon Rondo is getting a large Iced with Skim milk and a Turbo Shot, I will walk right on by and put on my visor and get to work. Ok I kid, but I wouldn't fucking talk to him. Do I think Rondo is a dickhead? Absolutely not. Do I think Rondo is a great guy? I don't care.

      All I care about is how Rondo plays and how he acts on the court, but that's where some of his attitudes cause  alarm with my inner purist. Last night I stayed in from dragging out my crappy post Holiday mood into a Comedy Club to stay in and watch the Celtics take on the beleaguered Rockets. If you didn't watch it, the Celtics had less defense than a quadruple amputee and The Rockets had their way with the C's.
      The reason I decided to write about Rondo today though was an instance witnessed in the 1st Quarter. After a steal on a gamble on Chris Rock doppelganger Aaron Brooks, Rondo had a clear breakaway path to the basket with all the time in the world to lay it in, dunk it, or take it out to dinner. However for the second time in two games, Rondo stopped on the break, dead in front of the basket, handed the ball off to Ray for the assist. So he tacked on an assist. Some may read this and think, "So what? It was the 1st Quarter of a game we were supposed to dominate and he just got a triple double and blahblahblah". 
Garnett, West and Perk all sitting on the sidelines Rondo should not be thinking about anything but getting the orange in the hole. After his triple double last week Rondo said to a reporter something along the lines of "It's always nice to get an individual achievement, but it's all about the win and the team." . Maybe, but not totally. 
    Rajon Rondo may have a lot more in common with Michael Jordan than great handles.

    Alright, let's not be too hard on him. He's a a young player on an old team, and don't all young guys in the NBA have a a little swagger that's crucial to surviving in the league? Maybe, but Rondos Id has become, at times, an issue. Here's a quote from a great Jackie MacMullan piece about Rondo. (http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/playoffs/2009/columns/story?columnist=macmullan_jackie&page=Rondo-090423)
     "Two seasons ago, before the banners and the plaudits and applause, when Rondo was in charge of a team that won just 24 games, he'd throw a no-look bullet and when it was dropped out of bounds he'd roll his eyes in exasperation. If he set up a shooter for the open jumper and it clanged off the rim, the shooter was subjected to the Rondo stare, a look steeped in disdain and aggravation. Rivers hauled his supposed floor leader into his office and asked him, "Do you know your teammates hate playing with you?"


    Hmm. The phrases "healthy ego", "swagger", and "cocky" are also routinely tossed around in the media by members of the team and the organization. These can be honest praise but it can also be a sort of hidden code for "despite him, we win.". In the same Jackie Mac article Danny Ainge said "The single biggest thing with him, is getting him to compete night in and night out." These quotes are not new, they are from 08 and 09, so has he changed or gotten worse? Well, when I see him tossing easy baskets to Ray Allen to pad his stats, I shake my head like Michael J. Fox being asked if he's on coke.
      

The boys on Halloween. Rajon went as fellow enigma Tiger Woods. That's Delonte being V for Vendetta ( ! ). BTW see what NBA players eat?

          It's not up for debate that Rondo is one of the top PG in the NBA. He's got the ring and the steals and assists to prove that. He can stop griping about going 21st in the 6th round and about D. Rose. 
         Seeing Rajon Rondo play in person is something that cannot be described in words, the flow and speed can only bring yuppie-like contrasts to jazz and Mark Twain with the racism left in. Rondos signature "Fake Around The Back Pass To Floater/Lay Up In .43 Seconds" has become the most imitated playground move since Allen Iverson broke ankles like he was auditioning for a re-make of "Misery". Rondo is  starting to explore his scoring more and more, and according to Doc, has been determinedly working on improving his jump shot, the most glaring lapse in his skills. 
         Rondo is the future of this team, our beloved Boston Celtics. The past few years, right now, and the couple coming up may be it for awhile. If you were around just 5 years ago we were absolute junk. A year in year out developing rotation of undervalued youth. This could easily happen again, as Ray, Paul and KG all retire, Rondo will be the star, captain and official leader of the Boston Celtics. It's impossible to know what the future holds or what types of players will surround him. But will Rondo mature? What kind of veteran will Rondo be? What kind of leader will he be? Only time will tell, but watch closely and if you see Rondo out in public, Do what I do, avert your eyes and think about Dee Browns dick until you calm down.

This is the same face Avery Bradley made when he accidentally saw Rondos paycheck.

Is Boston The Hot Chick Of Sports?

                There comes a time in a comedians career when he's worked enough road gigs, that he will inevitably, either by accident or by design, insert a reference into his act. Typically in a line like: " Being a comedian I get to see a lot of different places..." or "I spend a lot of time in hotels..." or "I just got back from....".  This is usually just a comic being honest about his experiences, but is sometimes seen by comics who haven't worked the road yet as a bit of posturing or bragging. Sometimes this is true, and sometimes this isn't.
               So I've been working on the motherfucking road a bit more lately, and I usually am introduced as a "Boston Comedian". ( I don't ask for that, I specifically asked him to say "This next guy is America's Sweetheart with a huge **** and a taste for vengeance.", he did not comply). This kind of thing, plus a couple of jokes I have in my act about Boston Oxycontin Dealers, lead to a lot of post show mingle-talk about Boston. And when I mean we talk about Boston, I mean all we talk about is sports. That's all we really stand for to the rest of the nation. Sports and Ben Affleck. It's like when you go to Europe and realize that most Europeans think all Americans are lazy obese diabetics who eat at McDonalds everyday and you try and explain that there's much more to the US and it's really just the south and the middle that's like that. Even though when it comes to Boston, there's really isn't much more. Cool old buildings and dirty politics are interesting. But our sports franchises serve as a thermometer throughout history to our general popularity as a city. Sometimes we're the scrappy underdogs like Chicago ( those days are long gone right now) and other times we're kind of holding an admired dominance like Detroit did for a short while with the Red Wings and the Pistons (kind of like the Patriots Super Bowl Wins, 2004 Heart Orgasm, '07 World Series, '08 Celtics Champs). That's done too. A lot of people are scared that the Red Sox are becoming like the Yankees and just buying a great team every year.  And I think to some degree that's true. Does that make us villains as well or does it make Major League Baseball flawed and in need of a Cap? You can't expect the owners to not want to compete with New York and that's just the business of modern baseball. And we can only hope that Yankees fans continue to throw stuff at future free agents wives sending them to Philadelphia's Rotation that looks meaner than Charlie Rose after last call.

         I don't think we'll ever be as despised as New York as a sports town. Boston just doesn't have the same hateable qualities of Gotham City. We're not as big, we're not as cocky, we're not as fair weather, and our logo is not on every asshole alive's hat. 

         I actually think that right now Boston is the Hot Chick in the world of sports. Actually more properly known as "The Hottest Chick."..

         Those who have been unlucky enough to get drunk with me, or lucky enough to share a doobie with me have often been privy to my "Hottest Chick Theory". It's a very simple theory which is pretty clearly observed subconsciously all over the world. A girl is only as hot as the other girls around her. In every bar you've ever been in, there has been one chick who is the hottest. Not the bartender, or the a waitress or something, but one patron. She is getting the attention, she is getting drinks purchased for her, she has a rapt audience for funny cat related stories and sad ex boyfriend stories. Now this girl varies in attractiveness greatly. The hottest chick at a Soho Lounge that specializes in cocaine related drinks is gonna be different from the hottest chick at a Manchester CT TGIFridays, but they're both gonna get the exact same treatment from guys. 

      Men , as a rule, are pretty retarded. We're just going for the shiny new objects. We're going where it looks best at all times. We're predictable and simple. And those who represent our almost mongoloid-esque simplicity, are athletes. Talk to the average professional baseball player for 10 minutes and you'll want to drive nails into your eye balls within 5 minutes. Many guys are the same dudes that threw you into your locker and called you a fag, and they've never known a world where they weren't special.  See ball, hit ball. See girl, marry girl, cheat on girl on road. Nice team, nice chance of winning, go there. It's an almost zen level of an idiot savant.
           And Boston the hot girl at the bar. We are surrounded by douchebags in friday night striped shirts coated in hair gel. New York is hooking up with a married guy in a black out but Boston is looking like a dime. Right now Boston is looking like Jessica Alba doing yoga next to crying Jennifer Aniston.

       

        
                Boston is just plain attractive to athletes right now. A wise club owner once told me "...that nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd.". I nodded my head in agreement and finally understood why Octomom was so popular.  The same logic applies to the Commonwealth because we are killing it right now. The Pat's and Tom Terrific are on fire. The Celtics are 20-4 and looking to take the Larry O'Brien Trophy back where it belongs. The Red Sox Lineup looks pretty hard to stop and even the lowly (for now) Boston Bruins are making noise around town.
                Why wouldn't you want to come to Boston over New York if offered the same money? Sure, our media is tough but not as tough. Our fans are tough too, but not as tough as NY or Philly and twice as loyal and praising than those other cities. I also think we have intelligent fans with a rich history, I also think the athletes could give a shit about all that. They don't care about Legal Sea Foods or public schools. These guys are on the road half their lives and spend the off season someplace hot. They care about winning and playing on good teams that give them the chance to be the best they can be, and of course as rich as they can be too. Which is fine. We have that now. As long as we keep the winning going, we will continue to be the hot chick of sports and New York will be the aging cougar Roethlisberging drunk 21 year olds.
Which is A-Ok with me.

Love him or hate him, you'd do the exact same thing.

Why The TD Garden Is Better Than Fenway Now. (I Know It Hurts A Little.)

       It stings to admit it.  

       How could it possibly be true? Fenway Park? Bostons most sacred landmark? Its most hallowed sports ground? Home of Teddy Ballgame,Wade Boggs' mustache and the pure unadulterated glory of 2004? 

       Sadly, Yes. Fenway has lost much, if not all of its charm in the past few years. I'm not talking  about the physical layout of the park. Alas, I do pine for the old the advertisement free Green Monster with no seats on top of it, and I'm not a huge fan of bars and restaurants placed randomly throughout a ballpark, but those are just the necessary evils of the modern baseball business and part of what pays for our ballplayers fucknormous contracts. This is a depressing thought because it's only bound to increase with time. 

       "This shot of Adrien 'Comcast' Beltre adjusting his scrotum is brought to you by 'Planter's'. 'Have You Had Your Nut Today?'"

        It's gonna happen sooner than we think. But there's nothing you can do about that, sports are a business and have to generate massive amounts of income just to cover their expenses. The NBA hasn't made a profit in the past 3 years. LeBron James works for a struggling corporation. 

        No, my problem with Fenway Park and my subsequent love for the TD Garden, are purely the because of the people inside of them. 

           Come to Boston! See the Freedom Trail! Eat at Legal Sea Foods! Say Something A Little Racist! Catch A Game At Fenway

"Look for us on TV talking on our blackberries!"

    Yes basketball has always attracted just as many haves as have-nots, with it's high priced - high profile courtside seats but Boston is a baseball town again and Fenway has become the new place to see and be seen. I lived in NYC from 2001 to 2009 getting to Fenway on average about 4 times a year, more so  in 03, 04, 05, less so in 06,07,08. The number of changes Fenway has gone through over these years are staggering.  Somehow slowly but also seemingly overnight we went from being one of the most knowledgeable stadiums full of true, mostly local baseball fans, as well sarcastically hilarious and unwaveringly proud and rewarding of good play , and turned into a ballpark full of yuppies, tourists, hot chicks and their requisite douche escorts, and Japanese people.

    For the record I am absolutely fine with the Japanese people.

    This last season I was lucky enough to attend many games. I lost count of how many, but it was one every couple of weeks or so for awhile, with a break, then a bunch at the end of the season as tickets became easier to get than a bruise at Ben Roethlisberger's "Sopranos Finale" Viewing Party.  

     I was extremely lucky to go to the third home game of the year against the Yankees. This is of course one of the best tickets of the year not only because its against New York but because there's nothing better than April baseball when the stats are clear and the schedule is wide open with victories ready to be mounted. I got the tickets from a buddy who has season tickets so I imagined I would be surrounded by fellow ticket season ticket holders i.e. "real" fans.
 I wasn't.
 I'm aware how elitist this sounds. Anyone has a right to go to a Red Sox game, and any crowd should contain all types of people, but what I'm trying to say here is that Fenway is dominated, if not infested with yuppie scum like bed bugs on an Allston Bike Messengers girlfriend's distressed and faded skinny jeans. (specific!) However, there was one of those classic old fenway couples next to me with the flannel shirt and the score card. These people are a rare glimpse of what was and remind me of the little old mans house from "Up.".

    Fenway Park also exists so women from New England can take pictures with their boyfriends to put on facebook. At every game I went to this year I saw about 6398 couples taking pictures with the field in the background. Everytime the guy had a look his face like his balls were being twisted into the shape of a vagina and the girl has a look that says "I'm putting this on facebook and then Jen is gonna know what the FUCK is UP!" If you are a woman in New England, you're relationship is not truly valid until there's a picture of you and your man at Fenway. If it's at a Patriots game its kinda serious and if it's at a Bruins game the guy probably got the tickets for free. But Fenway? That shit is real.

    

          
                

              

The Author is often goaded into douche baggery by fellow comic Kyle Ploof.

 Ok. Say you can take this. This is annoying, but whatever. It's a facebook/cellphone society right? People do this everywhere. And you gotta make your girl happy. I get it. Fine, if people taking photos, texting and doing anything but watching the fucking baseball game doesn't bother you enough, how about the fact that the majority of ticket holders (not fans) are just overall morons chomping away on concessions while talking about whatever it is people with 2 biological and one adopted kids in top notch private schools talk about. 

       As I said before I was at the 3rd game of the season, against the New York Yankees and it was a 1-1 tie in the sixth inning. About half the crowd had left. The Sox did eventually lose that game. But it was tie game, and no one was there. Many of the people that were still there did the wave every five seconds and sang Sweet Caroline.  I remember this being a cute thing that happened after we won home games. Now it's a song that gets played every time a crowd is assembled in America.

This is that game. My brother in law was with me.

      
           I'm starting to sound like Earths hemorrhoid Andy Rooney and this is a Celtics blog, so now that we all now what sucks about Fenway these days. (And if anyone disagrees with me please let me know, I never hear anyone say anything good about the people there. Also a note : I still love the ballpark and the team, best ballpark in America, I am just displeased with the current climate is all..)
          Thank God For Celtics Fans.
          Being a Celtics fan in Boston is almost like being a member of a cult like Scientology or AA. (I kid.)
Many people in Boston wish the Celtics well, hope the best for them, would love to see "the team" do well again. I appreciate these people and their well wishes, but what many of them are really saying is "I loved it when Bird, McHale and Parish were eating up playoff games between bong rips, I would like to see something like that again."
          But true NBA knowledgeable Celtics fans are out there but if the Red Sox are Dunkin Donuts we are definitely Honey Dew. You know us, we're out there. You live near one. But we're outnumbered 6 million to one. But we are out there if you are looking, in greater numbers than you think. One place you can find these fans on any given night is at The TD Garden or as Kevin Garnett calls it, The Jungle.

Here's The Jungle Screaming "Rondo's Better!!!" At Mike Bibby.


          The current Celtics fans at the Garden are absolutely ferocious. The last game I went to last season was a playoff game against Orlando, the first game I went to this year was a pre-season game against the Raptors. The energy was only slightly less. "Let's Go Celtics!" chants erupt in the escalators riding up to the mezzanine. Almost everyone there is wearing green. You can simply just feel the energy and positivity in the atmosphere.
          Perhaps this is a reflection of the teams "Wins First, Stats Later" mentality who knows. But at this moment in history Celtics fans are doing right what Red Sox fans are doing wrong. Simply : Caring. Just as in you cannot fake love, a marmot cannot fake an orgasm, and an arena cannot fake genuine enthusiasm. It's what gives the Celtics a better home record than other teams. It was helps that final shot slip in. Its what causes fear in the hearts and minds of our foes.
If you don't believe me go see a game.
You will see many hot chicks and douche bags, but they will know Semeh Erden's favorite food.
Ok maybe they won't but they won't be wearing pink celtics hats, punching players in the face and most won't be able to give you directions to the LL Bean outlet.
Go to the Garden and see who's really "keeping" the faith right now in this city.

"It's all good in the Jungle. baby." - KG

video post 1

>I'm going to randomly be posting some basketball videos I come across here. I'm going to number the posts because I'm a dickhead.


This first one is one of my favorite ever and its from just last week. This is why I can watch any basketball game when its played at a high level. Basketball is called the thinking mans sport, but I feel that misrepresents the pure flow and charisma of the game. This clip has that in spades. The Pacers don't miss until the final shot of the 3rd quarter and it's better than anything. Its the basketball no hitter or perfect game. Sort of. I suggest you watch the HQ wide screen version on the youtube site.

This next one is the best minor league German basketball play you will ever see.

And finally this is Sam Bowie the guy who got picked ahead of Michael Jordan in the 1984 Draft and Chris Webbers favorite basketball player. It's cheesy, funny and his dunks are nasty as well. There should be a movie about their parallel lives.

Doc-ter Heckle & Mr. West

                  There is a lot more mystery surrounding Delonte West than there is fact. What we do know about the enigmatic guard is what we're allowed to see by the NBA or what is leaked by scoundrels to better blogs than this one, and even much of that is here-say and rumor. We know he's a sick shooting guard but is better at the point and can run the floor from the 1 or the 2. We know he takes anti-depressants and suffers from bi-polar disorder. We know he's a lethal sniper from beyond the arc. We know that he was pulled over on the side of a Maryland Highway after cutting off a Police Car in an usual motorcycle carrying a guitar case that contained no guitars, but instead a loaded shotgun and two loaded handguns. We know he has a weird and unfortunate facial birth mark. We know he's half African-American and half Piscataway Indian, which explains why his game is often called "lacrosse-like and alcoholic" (ok, fuck you I made that up).

                   And, we know that he may or may not have had sex with Lebron James' batshit crazy mother Gloria.

"This is because I'm black right?"
The type of motorcycle Mr. West was on when he cut off a police car doing 85 mph while carrying a guitar case full of loaded guns.

                 Tomorrow night, Delonte comes off a 10 game-suspension for the gun incident but also maybe for screwing the golden gooses mommy too. The NBA and David Stern have a long history of bearded suspensions. Many players test positive for marijuana and end up getting suspended for being late to practice or if it's a big star maybe get an odd ankle sprain that last 5 games.
                   Or of course if you're a degenerate gambler and your name is Michael Jordan you can just go play minor league baseball for a year.
                    The Gloria James rumor may as well be true now because everyone simply believes it to be. This is the kind of thing sports fans cling onto like A-Rod clings to a blond strippers manly shoulders. (See.) Of course, Delonte banging Queen James might have been a great career move. The Celtics drafted Delonte in 2004 and had high hopes for him. So did the fans, during those years all we had was a little league mentality of watching young players develop into trade bait.
                     But then the mysterious side Mr. West comes out, he's getting into scuffles, problematic, moody and he gets traded even though he's a great player. So long, you're a nice guy, good luck to you. This type of deal happens all the time. "Hey, he's not a great fit here, maybe he'd be a great fit there." What doesn't happen all the time is the same player returning to said team after playing for their rival alongside one of the greatest players to ever touch a basketball whilst fucking said players mother.
                       That's a very unique player and weapon in Docs arsenal.

A really great fan who probably works at Kinkos.

          Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge were both mindfuckers as players and they're both mindfuckers now. Like it or not the Heat are our new rivals in the East. They may be struggling right now, but they're most likely gonna get it going around the All-Star Game and be troublesome. What better way than to literally have a crazy motherfucker on the court covering their best guy. Even if it's not true it doesn't matter, it's folklore now and in the minds of hoopheads it's gospel. Imagine what crowds at both arenas will be yelling when they play. Even the legit media gets in on it.
         Who cares if he wants to smack Von Wafer around a little bit here and there, he's a moody guy. I know from being in comedy, talented people are often moody. They also often take anti-depressants. They rarely can afford designer motorcycles. He can be controlled, look at Josh Hamilton. Ok, a little annoying but...

A Delonte Fan rocking black socks at Fenway.

                            The Boston Celtics have already entered the season at nice little clip, heading into Wed. night at 8 and 2. That's with The aging O'Neal's dealing with their injuries and extended Nate Robinson minutes. Delonte coming back can only help, I wouldn't expect him to light up the scoreboard tomorrow night, although I wouldn't be shocked if he did. From what I've heard from various news outlets is that he's spent this whole time in the gym. I saw him playing during the pre-season against the Raptors. He's in great shape, and he's a beast. He totally fucked us when he played for Cleveland and he's a guy you'd rather have on your team (unless your Mom puts out) than against you. 

                  So. Welcome Back Mr. West. Please take you're meds until the seasons over and stay away from Ray Allens mom.