Is Boston The Hot Chick Of Sports?

                There comes a time in a comedians career when he's worked enough road gigs, that he will inevitably, either by accident or by design, insert a reference into his act. Typically in a line like: " Being a comedian I get to see a lot of different places..." or "I spend a lot of time in hotels..." or "I just got back from....".  This is usually just a comic being honest about his experiences, but is sometimes seen by comics who haven't worked the road yet as a bit of posturing or bragging. Sometimes this is true, and sometimes this isn't.
               So I've been working on the motherfucking road a bit more lately, and I usually am introduced as a "Boston Comedian". ( I don't ask for that, I specifically asked him to say "This next guy is America's Sweetheart with a huge **** and a taste for vengeance.", he did not comply). This kind of thing, plus a couple of jokes I have in my act about Boston Oxycontin Dealers, lead to a lot of post show mingle-talk about Boston. And when I mean we talk about Boston, I mean all we talk about is sports. That's all we really stand for to the rest of the nation. Sports and Ben Affleck. It's like when you go to Europe and realize that most Europeans think all Americans are lazy obese diabetics who eat at McDonalds everyday and you try and explain that there's much more to the US and it's really just the south and the middle that's like that. Even though when it comes to Boston, there's really isn't much more. Cool old buildings and dirty politics are interesting. But our sports franchises serve as a thermometer throughout history to our general popularity as a city. Sometimes we're the scrappy underdogs like Chicago ( those days are long gone right now) and other times we're kind of holding an admired dominance like Detroit did for a short while with the Red Wings and the Pistons (kind of like the Patriots Super Bowl Wins, 2004 Heart Orgasm, '07 World Series, '08 Celtics Champs). That's done too. A lot of people are scared that the Red Sox are becoming like the Yankees and just buying a great team every year.  And I think to some degree that's true. Does that make us villains as well or does it make Major League Baseball flawed and in need of a Cap? You can't expect the owners to not want to compete with New York and that's just the business of modern baseball. And we can only hope that Yankees fans continue to throw stuff at future free agents wives sending them to Philadelphia's Rotation that looks meaner than Charlie Rose after last call.

         I don't think we'll ever be as despised as New York as a sports town. Boston just doesn't have the same hateable qualities of Gotham City. We're not as big, we're not as cocky, we're not as fair weather, and our logo is not on every asshole alive's hat. 

         I actually think that right now Boston is the Hot Chick in the world of sports. Actually more properly known as "The Hottest Chick."..

         Those who have been unlucky enough to get drunk with me, or lucky enough to share a doobie with me have often been privy to my "Hottest Chick Theory". It's a very simple theory which is pretty clearly observed subconsciously all over the world. A girl is only as hot as the other girls around her. In every bar you've ever been in, there has been one chick who is the hottest. Not the bartender, or the a waitress or something, but one patron. She is getting the attention, she is getting drinks purchased for her, she has a rapt audience for funny cat related stories and sad ex boyfriend stories. Now this girl varies in attractiveness greatly. The hottest chick at a Soho Lounge that specializes in cocaine related drinks is gonna be different from the hottest chick at a Manchester CT TGIFridays, but they're both gonna get the exact same treatment from guys. 

      Men , as a rule, are pretty retarded. We're just going for the shiny new objects. We're going where it looks best at all times. We're predictable and simple. And those who represent our almost mongoloid-esque simplicity, are athletes. Talk to the average professional baseball player for 10 minutes and you'll want to drive nails into your eye balls within 5 minutes. Many guys are the same dudes that threw you into your locker and called you a fag, and they've never known a world where they weren't special.  See ball, hit ball. See girl, marry girl, cheat on girl on road. Nice team, nice chance of winning, go there. It's an almost zen level of an idiot savant.
           And Boston the hot girl at the bar. We are surrounded by douchebags in friday night striped shirts coated in hair gel. New York is hooking up with a married guy in a black out but Boston is looking like a dime. Right now Boston is looking like Jessica Alba doing yoga next to crying Jennifer Aniston.

       

        
                Boston is just plain attractive to athletes right now. A wise club owner once told me "...that nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd.". I nodded my head in agreement and finally understood why Octomom was so popular.  The same logic applies to the Commonwealth because we are killing it right now. The Pat's and Tom Terrific are on fire. The Celtics are 20-4 and looking to take the Larry O'Brien Trophy back where it belongs. The Red Sox Lineup looks pretty hard to stop and even the lowly (for now) Boston Bruins are making noise around town.
                Why wouldn't you want to come to Boston over New York if offered the same money? Sure, our media is tough but not as tough. Our fans are tough too, but not as tough as NY or Philly and twice as loyal and praising than those other cities. I also think we have intelligent fans with a rich history, I also think the athletes could give a shit about all that. They don't care about Legal Sea Foods or public schools. These guys are on the road half their lives and spend the off season someplace hot. They care about winning and playing on good teams that give them the chance to be the best they can be, and of course as rich as they can be too. Which is fine. We have that now. As long as we keep the winning going, we will continue to be the hot chick of sports and New York will be the aging cougar Roethlisberging drunk 21 year olds.
Which is A-Ok with me.

Love him or hate him, you'd do the exact same thing.

Why The TD Garden Is Better Than Fenway Now. (I Know It Hurts A Little.)

       It stings to admit it.  

       How could it possibly be true? Fenway Park? Bostons most sacred landmark? Its most hallowed sports ground? Home of Teddy Ballgame,Wade Boggs' mustache and the pure unadulterated glory of 2004? 

       Sadly, Yes. Fenway has lost much, if not all of its charm in the past few years. I'm not talking  about the physical layout of the park. Alas, I do pine for the old the advertisement free Green Monster with no seats on top of it, and I'm not a huge fan of bars and restaurants placed randomly throughout a ballpark, but those are just the necessary evils of the modern baseball business and part of what pays for our ballplayers fucknormous contracts. This is a depressing thought because it's only bound to increase with time. 

       "This shot of Adrien 'Comcast' Beltre adjusting his scrotum is brought to you by 'Planter's'. 'Have You Had Your Nut Today?'"

        It's gonna happen sooner than we think. But there's nothing you can do about that, sports are a business and have to generate massive amounts of income just to cover their expenses. The NBA hasn't made a profit in the past 3 years. LeBron James works for a struggling corporation. 

        No, my problem with Fenway Park and my subsequent love for the TD Garden, are purely the because of the people inside of them. 

           Come to Boston! See the Freedom Trail! Eat at Legal Sea Foods! Say Something A Little Racist! Catch A Game At Fenway

"Look for us on TV talking on our blackberries!"

    Yes basketball has always attracted just as many haves as have-nots, with it's high priced - high profile courtside seats but Boston is a baseball town again and Fenway has become the new place to see and be seen. I lived in NYC from 2001 to 2009 getting to Fenway on average about 4 times a year, more so  in 03, 04, 05, less so in 06,07,08. The number of changes Fenway has gone through over these years are staggering.  Somehow slowly but also seemingly overnight we went from being one of the most knowledgeable stadiums full of true, mostly local baseball fans, as well sarcastically hilarious and unwaveringly proud and rewarding of good play , and turned into a ballpark full of yuppies, tourists, hot chicks and their requisite douche escorts, and Japanese people.

    For the record I am absolutely fine with the Japanese people.

    This last season I was lucky enough to attend many games. I lost count of how many, but it was one every couple of weeks or so for awhile, with a break, then a bunch at the end of the season as tickets became easier to get than a bruise at Ben Roethlisberger's "Sopranos Finale" Viewing Party.  

     I was extremely lucky to go to the third home game of the year against the Yankees. This is of course one of the best tickets of the year not only because its against New York but because there's nothing better than April baseball when the stats are clear and the schedule is wide open with victories ready to be mounted. I got the tickets from a buddy who has season tickets so I imagined I would be surrounded by fellow ticket season ticket holders i.e. "real" fans.
 I wasn't.
 I'm aware how elitist this sounds. Anyone has a right to go to a Red Sox game, and any crowd should contain all types of people, but what I'm trying to say here is that Fenway is dominated, if not infested with yuppie scum like bed bugs on an Allston Bike Messengers girlfriend's distressed and faded skinny jeans. (specific!) However, there was one of those classic old fenway couples next to me with the flannel shirt and the score card. These people are a rare glimpse of what was and remind me of the little old mans house from "Up.".

    Fenway Park also exists so women from New England can take pictures with their boyfriends to put on facebook. At every game I went to this year I saw about 6398 couples taking pictures with the field in the background. Everytime the guy had a look his face like his balls were being twisted into the shape of a vagina and the girl has a look that says "I'm putting this on facebook and then Jen is gonna know what the FUCK is UP!" If you are a woman in New England, you're relationship is not truly valid until there's a picture of you and your man at Fenway. If it's at a Patriots game its kinda serious and if it's at a Bruins game the guy probably got the tickets for free. But Fenway? That shit is real.

    

          
                

              

The Author is often goaded into douche baggery by fellow comic Kyle Ploof.

 Ok. Say you can take this. This is annoying, but whatever. It's a facebook/cellphone society right? People do this everywhere. And you gotta make your girl happy. I get it. Fine, if people taking photos, texting and doing anything but watching the fucking baseball game doesn't bother you enough, how about the fact that the majority of ticket holders (not fans) are just overall morons chomping away on concessions while talking about whatever it is people with 2 biological and one adopted kids in top notch private schools talk about. 

       As I said before I was at the 3rd game of the season, against the New York Yankees and it was a 1-1 tie in the sixth inning. About half the crowd had left. The Sox did eventually lose that game. But it was tie game, and no one was there. Many of the people that were still there did the wave every five seconds and sang Sweet Caroline.  I remember this being a cute thing that happened after we won home games. Now it's a song that gets played every time a crowd is assembled in America.

This is that game. My brother in law was with me.

      
           I'm starting to sound like Earths hemorrhoid Andy Rooney and this is a Celtics blog, so now that we all now what sucks about Fenway these days. (And if anyone disagrees with me please let me know, I never hear anyone say anything good about the people there. Also a note : I still love the ballpark and the team, best ballpark in America, I am just displeased with the current climate is all..)
          Thank God For Celtics Fans.
          Being a Celtics fan in Boston is almost like being a member of a cult like Scientology or AA. (I kid.)
Many people in Boston wish the Celtics well, hope the best for them, would love to see "the team" do well again. I appreciate these people and their well wishes, but what many of them are really saying is "I loved it when Bird, McHale and Parish were eating up playoff games between bong rips, I would like to see something like that again."
          But true NBA knowledgeable Celtics fans are out there but if the Red Sox are Dunkin Donuts we are definitely Honey Dew. You know us, we're out there. You live near one. But we're outnumbered 6 million to one. But we are out there if you are looking, in greater numbers than you think. One place you can find these fans on any given night is at The TD Garden or as Kevin Garnett calls it, The Jungle.

Here's The Jungle Screaming "Rondo's Better!!!" At Mike Bibby.


          The current Celtics fans at the Garden are absolutely ferocious. The last game I went to last season was a playoff game against Orlando, the first game I went to this year was a pre-season game against the Raptors. The energy was only slightly less. "Let's Go Celtics!" chants erupt in the escalators riding up to the mezzanine. Almost everyone there is wearing green. You can simply just feel the energy and positivity in the atmosphere.
          Perhaps this is a reflection of the teams "Wins First, Stats Later" mentality who knows. But at this moment in history Celtics fans are doing right what Red Sox fans are doing wrong. Simply : Caring. Just as in you cannot fake love, a marmot cannot fake an orgasm, and an arena cannot fake genuine enthusiasm. It's what gives the Celtics a better home record than other teams. It was helps that final shot slip in. Its what causes fear in the hearts and minds of our foes.
If you don't believe me go see a game.
You will see many hot chicks and douche bags, but they will know Semeh Erden's favorite food.
Ok maybe they won't but they won't be wearing pink celtics hats, punching players in the face and most won't be able to give you directions to the LL Bean outlet.
Go to the Garden and see who's really "keeping" the faith right now in this city.

"It's all good in the Jungle. baby." - KG

video post 1

>I'm going to randomly be posting some basketball videos I come across here. I'm going to number the posts because I'm a dickhead.


This first one is one of my favorite ever and its from just last week. This is why I can watch any basketball game when its played at a high level. Basketball is called the thinking mans sport, but I feel that misrepresents the pure flow and charisma of the game. This clip has that in spades. The Pacers don't miss until the final shot of the 3rd quarter and it's better than anything. Its the basketball no hitter or perfect game. Sort of. I suggest you watch the HQ wide screen version on the youtube site.

This next one is the best minor league German basketball play you will ever see.

And finally this is Sam Bowie the guy who got picked ahead of Michael Jordan in the 1984 Draft and Chris Webbers favorite basketball player. It's cheesy, funny and his dunks are nasty as well. There should be a movie about their parallel lives.

Doc-ter Heckle & Mr. West

                  There is a lot more mystery surrounding Delonte West than there is fact. What we do know about the enigmatic guard is what we're allowed to see by the NBA or what is leaked by scoundrels to better blogs than this one, and even much of that is here-say and rumor. We know he's a sick shooting guard but is better at the point and can run the floor from the 1 or the 2. We know he takes anti-depressants and suffers from bi-polar disorder. We know he's a lethal sniper from beyond the arc. We know that he was pulled over on the side of a Maryland Highway after cutting off a Police Car in an usual motorcycle carrying a guitar case that contained no guitars, but instead a loaded shotgun and two loaded handguns. We know he has a weird and unfortunate facial birth mark. We know he's half African-American and half Piscataway Indian, which explains why his game is often called "lacrosse-like and alcoholic" (ok, fuck you I made that up).

                   And, we know that he may or may not have had sex with Lebron James' batshit crazy mother Gloria.

"This is because I'm black right?"
The type of motorcycle Mr. West was on when he cut off a police car doing 85 mph while carrying a guitar case full of loaded guns.

                 Tomorrow night, Delonte comes off a 10 game-suspension for the gun incident but also maybe for screwing the golden gooses mommy too. The NBA and David Stern have a long history of bearded suspensions. Many players test positive for marijuana and end up getting suspended for being late to practice or if it's a big star maybe get an odd ankle sprain that last 5 games.
                   Or of course if you're a degenerate gambler and your name is Michael Jordan you can just go play minor league baseball for a year.
                    The Gloria James rumor may as well be true now because everyone simply believes it to be. This is the kind of thing sports fans cling onto like A-Rod clings to a blond strippers manly shoulders. (See.) Of course, Delonte banging Queen James might have been a great career move. The Celtics drafted Delonte in 2004 and had high hopes for him. So did the fans, during those years all we had was a little league mentality of watching young players develop into trade bait.
                     But then the mysterious side Mr. West comes out, he's getting into scuffles, problematic, moody and he gets traded even though he's a great player. So long, you're a nice guy, good luck to you. This type of deal happens all the time. "Hey, he's not a great fit here, maybe he'd be a great fit there." What doesn't happen all the time is the same player returning to said team after playing for their rival alongside one of the greatest players to ever touch a basketball whilst fucking said players mother.
                       That's a very unique player and weapon in Docs arsenal.

A really great fan who probably works at Kinkos.

          Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge were both mindfuckers as players and they're both mindfuckers now. Like it or not the Heat are our new rivals in the East. They may be struggling right now, but they're most likely gonna get it going around the All-Star Game and be troublesome. What better way than to literally have a crazy motherfucker on the court covering their best guy. Even if it's not true it doesn't matter, it's folklore now and in the minds of hoopheads it's gospel. Imagine what crowds at both arenas will be yelling when they play. Even the legit media gets in on it.
         Who cares if he wants to smack Von Wafer around a little bit here and there, he's a moody guy. I know from being in comedy, talented people are often moody. They also often take anti-depressants. They rarely can afford designer motorcycles. He can be controlled, look at Josh Hamilton. Ok, a little annoying but...

A Delonte Fan rocking black socks at Fenway.

                            The Boston Celtics have already entered the season at nice little clip, heading into Wed. night at 8 and 2. That's with The aging O'Neal's dealing with their injuries and extended Nate Robinson minutes. Delonte coming back can only help, I wouldn't expect him to light up the scoreboard tomorrow night, although I wouldn't be shocked if he did. From what I've heard from various news outlets is that he's spent this whole time in the gym. I saw him playing during the pre-season against the Raptors. He's in great shape, and he's a beast. He totally fucked us when he played for Cleveland and he's a guy you'd rather have on your team (unless your Mom puts out) than against you. 

                  So. Welcome Back Mr. West. Please take you're meds until the seasons over and stay away from Ray Allens mom.

            

Big Toddler

          Glen "Big Baby" Davis has a nickname of an unfortunate ilk. The same as guys marked with monikers such as "Pork Chop" or "Pudge". They are nicknames usually earned in an embarrassing manner or by some physical feature/disability that they can't do anything about. These are the guys that soldier on, taking the shit with a smile while in their downtime secretly plotting the murders of lucky bastards like Clyde "The Glide" Drexler and "Pistol" Pete Maravich. I'm in temporary agreement with them when they throw there hands in the sky and wonder out loud to the Gods how  Dominique "The Human Highlight Film" Wilkins ever got such a sweet fucking nickname? He of course earned it.

          Glen Davis earned his as well. When he was a 5'6" 160lb  9 year old (It's hard to picture a 9 year old kid named Glen. It's easy to picture a 49 yr old Blockbuster Video Manager named Glen) he was already playing basketball at a high level with kids 3 or 4 years older than him, because he was simply to large to play with the other Pee Wees his age. Constantly playing with the older kids often rattled the young Davis who would sometimes cry. His sensitive coach would then tell him "Stop crying you Big Baby." and so a superb basketball player with amazing natural talent will forever be known for something he did as a 9 yr old. This story takes on a bit more steam as you flash forward to 2001 when when Baby is a 15 yr old rising star attending Shaquille O'Neals Basketball Camp at LSU (whoever thought to send him there was a genius). Shaq, who happens to be 7'1" 330lbs, challenged Baby to a wrestling match. Baby body slammed Shaq to the ground like a ragdoll and it made a huge impression on Shaq and subsequently LSU Head Coach Dale Brown. 2 years later Glen "Big Baby" Davis is a student as LSU. And by 2007 he was signed by an NBA Team.

           Baby has an easy personality to love. He's a charismatic and emotional guy. He has a flair for entertainment. The only problem is he cares about different things at different times and the only thing holding him back from success, stardom and All Star appearances is himself. 

            I'm sure no one was happier when the Celtics signed Delonte West than Glen Davis. For those who don't know, at the beginning of last season Baby punched his friend in the face 2 days before the season started and broke his hand. Last year was supposed to be his break out year, and he had a lot of hype after the Finals, and he blew it before the first game. He made him the resident fuck-up of the Boston Celtics and really turned a lot fans off as well. This was after 2007 when he cried after getting chewed out by Kevin Garnett but before his return when he promptly screamed "Suck my dick!" to a fan and it got picked up by the broadcast mic. Big Baby has tried to change his nickname to "Uno Uno" a couple times. This will never ever happen of course, but he seems to have embraced the moniker and even use it as an excuse to act,well, like a big baby.

       Judging by what we've seen so far ( and it's very early I know ) he seems to have put it all behind him. So far he's clearly been Doc's favorite sub. Filling in for all the Bigs in the starting 5 and proving himself to be a much better option than Jermaine O'Neal. Of course eating sushi at a rest stop in Ohio at 3 am is a better option than Jermaine O'Neal. 

        I hate it when  I hear a commentator refer to Baby as "undersized" because of his height because it's total bullshit. He's proven time and time again in the pre-season and in the first couple weeks that he can clog the lane just as well as the O'Neals, not to mention worm his way around the defenders a la Dennis Rodman and get a lot of boards on both ends. And most notably, if there were a stat for taking charges Baby would be  leading the league and probably averaging a triple double a week. That's the beauty of the current Celtics squad, everyone on the team excels at one thing. Doc can pretty much place his guys like chess pieces and see things before they happen, a talent which Doc has in spades, more than any coach in the league. Doc is so underrated but that's a whole other thing. Doc is as good as Phil Jackson was when he coached the Bulls. Nuff said.

         So this year I've got Big Baby as my favorite to win the NBA's Sixth Man Of The Year Award. He's got strong competition all over the league, not to mention the fact that Miami's Big One and his merrymen will gather plenty of praise for some asinine reason. Big Baby could score 10 or 15 a game, depending on minutes get 6 or 7 rebounds and take a handful of charges.

          That's more of an exciting player to watch than it sounds. 

          And if Glen Davis can keep Big Baby under control, it's all good in the jungle.

                 Ayo Baby.

F*** LeBron. KG Should Be The Face Of The NBA.

    

             I'll try and keep the backstory light. I'm a 28 year old standup comic in Boston. I'm also a lifelong fan (save for maybe a couple of years in High School when I was obsessed with chicks and Camel Lights) of not just the Celtics but the entire NBA, and the clusterfuck of historinfogossiptainment that comes with "The League." The fact that I'm a comic just means that my rants about Delonte Wests back may be slightly more entertaining than other C's blogs, but probably not. I do follow the NBA obsessively. I spent my summer watching the FIBA Tournament and the other day caught myself watching the LA Clippers Team Preview on NBA TV for the 3rd time. Sad? Yes.
    
           So I'm a big hoops fan with possibly entertaining opinions on the Boston Celtics.
        
         Since I have in the past (pre-recession and comedy career) subscribed to The NBA League Pass package on cable and I also play in a couple of fantasy basketball leagues. ( Guess what- I'm single too for some reason) I receive many e-mails from the NBA and its various offspring. I usually delete them without looking, but this one caught my eye because it was addressed from David Stern (finally, hes reaching out to me) and the subject was the "Fan Poll 2010-2011". I decided to actually put down the blackberry and use an actual computer to take this poll. I'll admit I enjoy taking polls and voting on sports related issues, but this poll  seemed more important to me because the NBA is in a state of flux right now and the NBA listens to its fan base far more than the MLB or the NFL. The NBA, although considered a massive success in global marketing, is reporting losses of over 340$ million and Stern announced yesterday that they are going to try and cut costs by about 800$ million next year to try and turn a proft. The reason the league is going broke is because of player salaries and overpaid bench warmers. Stern specifically said that the 800$ million was coming out of the players pockets, so we can expect a lock out for sure on that one.
             And that was the tone of the poll. Most of the questions revolved around specific players (Who is the best defensive player? Who is the best rookie?) with many questions being predictions (Who will win the Eastern Conf Finals?). The message was clear: Who's earning their money and who's not? The question that interested me the most and was the most clearly Lebron related was: Who is your favorite player? The crown of most popular player is up for grabs. Durant is probably gonna have it by Christmas, but I was taking the poll as a 28 yr old comedian who does nothing all day but watch DVR'd Celtics preseason games.
             But who is my favorite player? I've always been a Celtics fan, but also a fan of the whole league not being a total homer. To the chagrin of many of my family members I was a huge Magic Johnson fan as a child, although their disdain could possibly have been twofold. John Starks,Barkley, Shaq, were all there beside Bird, Chief, Mchale, and Reggie Lewis. And that was when I was a kid who actually played the sport of basketball,  now I'm a grown ass man with a silly job. Who is my favorite player? I had to think about it for a few minutes, but then it was clear. Kevin Garnett.

             KG is the perfect player you would want if you were a coach trying to go for a championship, and he would also make the perfect spokesman for the NBA. This may not always have been true for the emotional KG when he was a 19 year old rookie or in his entire tenure in Minnesota, but it has been true since he put on the Celtics Green.  We're all glad to see to the league taking a step towards a team mentality, team play and defense. The fundamentals of Celtic Basketball since Red took over the team. All players talk about how winning games is the only goal and they just want a championship. This is total fucking bullshit. It is probably true of Kevin Durant, Rajon Rondo, and Kobe Bryant (yes I think he's truly obsessed with winning.). It is probably not true of Gilbert Arenas, Vince Carter and LeBron James.

Lebron James yells at his Mom and Delonte Wests' Ex. They're the same.

              I do think LeBron wants to win the championship this year. They would love to open whatever it is they're trying to do down there with a ring and silence the haters. It's gonna be great to watch this not happen. But LeBron really cares about is his brand. He wants to be known all over the world like MJ. He just doesn't want to have to work as hard as MJ did to win all the rings. LeBron James has spent far too much time listening to the coins hitting the floor and not enough time making the players around him better. That's what separates MJ from LBJ. But Lebron repeatedly talks about being a billionaire someday and he will accomplish this, and at that moment he will be as happy as Kevin Garnett is when he hoists the Larry O'Brien Trophy over his head. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just doesn't make him obsessed with winning basketball games, which is what KG is, more than anyone else in the league. And when he comes back this year twice as healthy as he was last year, people will begin using a different tone when speaking of him. Not the "let's see if we see flashes of the old KG" then the amnesia sets into "I wonder if KG will be voted MVP of the Finals?"

 It doesn't matter if you're a softball coach or Phil Jackson. If you're putting together a team you're

   chances are much better with Kevin Garnett than without him. There's is no statistic for that. KG motivates young players while bringing out the best in old ones. He makes a sizable impression on a game from the bench in a suit. I want KG standing next to me when I ask out hot chicks with horrible personalities. I want KG sitting people at my comedy shows and standing to stage right waiting to give hecklers the evil eye. I want KG to stand on Tremont St and help me parallel park my car. I can't think of a single situation in life that would not be improved by having KG with you, except possibly hailing a cab in New York City.

                  The season begins this evening. Bostons Big Three will face Miamis Big One, plus lame (in the race horse sense dilettantes)Flash in the Pan, plus overrated stat padder. The teams are evenly matched. Perhaps one could even say on paper that the Heat look better. They are younger and faster. I think it's pretty much a draw and the game will come down to who really truly wants it more. And anyone who's ever looked Lebron and KG in the eyes knows who that is. Even if it's just because he's batshit crazy.