AUTUMN ROUNDUP

       
       I'm a Fall person. Fall is the best reason to live on the East Coast. If you live in New York City it's pretty much the only time of the year, except for the first 10 minutes after a fresh snow, that there is some sort of natural beauty amongst the urban sprawl. Unless of course you count the red and white hues of homeless acne and rosacea among your favorite things, and that was just so 90's anyway.
    My birthday is also in the Fall, on Oct. 12, and it's a great time to be a pale bastard. People of Any Color Whatsoever don't understand what it is like to be truly "white". I also have blue eyes which means for half of July and the month of August I'm pretty much a squinting recluse in search of air conditioning, passable daytime movies to see, and catch up on American Chopper episodes taped in the Fall. Autumn is where the pale really shine as dressers. We get to cover our pasty bodies with earth toned layers and the rest of the world is slowly losing their Summer color and joining us in looking like a level 1 patient in the sick bay of The Mayflower.

    Fall fucking rules so much it's the one thing that bugs people from California. They can dismiss the Winter and snow with " - it only looks good for a day then lasts 6 months" or "too cold for me." bullshit. They also love to brag how every day there is beautiful and that "you gotta eat a fish taco or you will end up unhappy and alone." but they try and pretend that Fall is something that only exists in Woody Allen movies and Men's Vogue  magazine photo spreads involving Richard Gere holding a football and thinking about Tibet. It bugs them, it's the one thing they can't get thats awesome. That and redheaded chicks.
  By far though my favorite thing about the Fall is basketball. Hoops define Fall to me, and anyone who played youth basketball remembers what it was like running to your parents car in shorts and sneakers through dry leaves on a shockingly cold 39 degree night and smelling that Fall smell of decaying leaves and cold air. This year, there may be no basketball. As I type this on my 1997 Dell computer that sucks so hard it's got a guest starring role on "Whitney.", the NBA owners and players are meeting with a mediator in what is being called a "Do or Die" conference, which brings me to my first point in my lazy Shaughnessy-esque Fall Roundup or "Gripes and Cripes/Happies and Crappies":

THE NBA LOCKOUT - This is a toughie. Who is right in this dispute? No one of course. It's money money money. The owners wanted a hard salary cap. For non fans: This means that every team in the league has the same amount of money to spend on players thus hopefully making the entire league more evenly matched and give every team a chance to win the championship once in awhile, thus again, spreading the money around a bit as well as saving the currently cash strapped owners some money in the process. The players of course oppose this plan as it will hurt their income. A lot of these guys were becoming great basketball players while the economy was booming and now that they are in the pros they won't be making as much money as their predecessors. They should try doing stand up comedy, I'll be lucky if I make as much money in my whole career as Kevin Meaney made in 1989.  The owners have budged on the hard cap idea, and the negotiations have divulged into minutia that no one could give a shit about. This lockout could last awhile because Derek Fisher( head of the players union) and the union's attorneys continue to look like clowns on TV. NBATV ( a cable network owned by the NBA and their owners) keeps re-running this press conference where D-Fish stands in a suit stuttering into a microphone while 20 players stand behind him on stage dressed like shit either in sweat suits or looking scary and rocking back and forth like they do to stay loose during the National Anthem, (one hilarious moment came when JaVale McGee went to the bathroom and told 15 reporters "The players are about to fold"). NBA-TV is also showing Teen Wolf about 3 times a day. I wish that were a joke. Prediction? A half a season this year and it's lame. And I bet Paul Pierce comes back fat. I hope not, but I have a bad feeling.

THE RED SOX COLLAPSE - The only enjoyable aspect of this clusterfuck is watching people who know nothing about sports try and maintain conversations. I will never understand why someone who doesn't know what they are talking about will try and skate by on one line they read in a Mike Barnicle column 6 years ago about "driving the ball opposite field" and think no ones going to be on to you. This town is full of people who watch basketball games and complain about every missed shot ("AW HE SHOULDA MADE THAT!"), these are the same people who you pass every day, confusing Theo and Tito, wondering if we can still sign Kevin Millar, and signing up for Sweet Caroline at karaoke night. You know, FUCKING POSERS! That's what I'm hoping comes out of this whole debacle. Maybe we can shake off some of these lame ass fans we've aquired since 2004? I travel out of state quite a bit and let me tell you, we look like assholes. John Henry is a bagillionaire playboy who had a great time turning a failing business (the Sox) into a very profitable one (from 2004 to now) That's what great business dudes do, they flip business' like that dude on Bravo flips houses. That's why  if you put 4 wheels on Fenway Park it would look like a NASCAR Monte Carlo with more ads, and I hate that I may even have just given that idea to Rousch racing or whatever the fuck.
No predictions here, we have to wait and see where this heads. But here is a plea to my fellow fans: Enough with the wave. Enough with The "Yankees Suck". Enough with the "Sweet Caroline". Enough with leaving in the 6th. Enough with taking your babies to games for a photo. In fact, enough with the photos.
I also have a revolutionary idea where people stop buying officially licensed merchandise and we all start wearing homemade Red Sox gear, taking the team back in the only way that would affect the greedy owners, with money. Although that idea does sound a little hippy dippy like the folks down at:

OCCUPY BOSTON - I went down and checked this out with a buddy of mine. I've been following both the Occupiers and The Boston Police on Twitter, and it was a hoot to watch them communicate with 140 characters or less. With the Boston Police using words like "b4" and "u" to get points across. We went down on the night they got booted from their expansion, which I think was actually kind of fair because they didn't really have the numbers yet to take that spot over, and I found it funny how a bunch of the 99% was getting greedy about space. My friends know I rarely get too involved in political discussion, but I do wish these people luck. From my experience down there they seem about 65% good people with passionate political beliefs and a desperate desire for change, the rest seem like anarchist nutjobs who would love nothing more than to have tear gas thrown at them so they have a great story to tell a girl with 19 nostrils. This was just that night though, I did watch some of the video of the police "brutality" and , there was more flopping going on than if you got 22 Anderson Varejao's to play a game of soccer.

But at least they're standing up against these rich fucks. So many people in the world never got out of high school, when you are poor and you blindly support the "1%" or Wall St,  you are no better than a fat ugly girl whose always telling the cheerleader how pretty she is and hanging in the background in case she asks you to a party. Guess what? You're fat ass is never getting invited to the party, and you're never gonna be a cheerleader. In fact, the cheerleader doesn't know you exist and she'd kill if you threaten her spot on the team.
This ended weird. This is why I don't get into politics, it always just turns into me talking about Cheerleading.

We filmed a brand new Lineup this morning, and the boys at TAUNTR.com were nice enough to put together this cool GIF for me from last weeks outtakes. Now I can post on message boards like a cool person.

HOLY SHIT

Dude, going to acting school totally paid off. Just ten years later I'm finally getting straight cash to read jokes
on a web series on a much better sports site than this one called Tauntr.com.
If you're interested , the story goes like this : Occasionally I still get called into auditions because my name is on a million lists of 6 foot tall white dudes from all my years of cattle calls for Taco Bell commercials. If something calls for a stand up comic or involves a green screen I'm only on a list of 6,361. I went on a few auditions and a "call back", which is a show business term for "we may actually make eye contact with you on this one".
Luckily for me they called me last week and said I got the gig and my callback had been used for that weeks episode and I could go and watch it online at that moment. A very cool and surreal experience so far and the people who do the show are fucking nice and relaxed. Only downside is I gotta get up at 7 in the morning to do the damn thing. Ah well. At least I can catch the Nate Berkus show in its entirety.



Here they are, available weekly at Tauntr.com

WHAT THE F*** IS HAPPENING?

               April can be a tough month for a sports fan in this town. If you like basketball and baseball pretty equally, this month puts you in the position of being excited about the new season of baseball and watching your basketball team sleepwalk its way to the playoffs trying to maintain a great record without blowing out any knees or whatever random injuries await the beleaguered Celts. Has anyone ever considered that maybe sports doctors have gotten too careful? Guys spend half their careers sidelined these days with the most mysterious of medical issues ranging from migraines to the always mysterious "flu-like-symptoms" which I always assume to mean, hungover or some sort of punishment for smoking weed.

          


















               This April has been compounded by the fact that the Red Sox are off the a 0-4 start after everyone under the sun predicted the Red Sox to go 162-0. As any Kansas City stripper will tell you, the baseball season is an extremely long one, it takes up almost half the year and teams go through slumps at all times of that year, even the start. The real story about the Red Sox losing the first three games is that everyone seemed to forget that The Rangers are gang of sluggers who can crush the ball repeatedly out of their own ballpark, which they proved repeatedly in the Opening Series. 
             Speaking of the Red Sox being overly valued to start the season, I was watching hours of MLB TV to prepare myself for the upcoming season and fantasy drafts (and honestly just to watch something that looked like it was taking place someplace warm and green) and on the show I was watching they kept saying that the Sox haven't won a World Series since 2004, which is not only a gross error for a network that only covers baseball, but also a clear sign of how the people see the Sox. We're a great team, perhaps a Miami Heat like team made up of stars and money, but are we winners? Gamers? Do the Red Sox really fucking care? That's what remains to be seen.
                Baseball signifies the beginning of Spring and the end of the brutal New England winter, spring basketball meanwhile begins the slog into the much too drawn out NBA Playoffs , where the best basketball of the year is played. I do believe the Celtics are just fine right now maybe even playing possum a bit, they also seem just as bored with themselves as most of us are. My grandmother could tell you right now that if the Celtics stay healthy they're as good as anyone in the playoffs, except maybe Chicago or LA. 
         So let's not panic Boston, the Celtics are still an amazing team and as of today 4 1/2 games off the best record in the NBA and will not repeat last years mistakes. As for the Red Sox, I'm predicting MVP years from Pedroia and Ellsbury. The new guys won't wow anyone till later in the season though. I also think Lester and Clay are the meanest 1-2 in the bigs right now and I think our bullpen is our biggest weakness. 
        But what the fuck do I know it's April. So just root for your team and hate the enemy. 
     This is Jorge Posadas , the ugliest anal wart on earth's wife. 

Laura Posada

TYPICAL NY DOUCHE

Fantasy Baseball

My 2011 Fantasy Baseball Team: "Josh Hamilton's Night Out"
C: Buster Posey
1B: Prince Fielder
2B: Rickie Weeks
3B: Aramis Ramirez
SS: Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Josh Hamilton, Jacoby Ellsbury, Jay Bruce, Mike Stanton, Grady Sizemore
Bench: Elvis Andrus, Gaby Sanchez, Ike Davis, Gordon Beckham, Edwin Encarnacion, Jarod Saltamacchia

Starting Pitching:
Ubaldo Jimenez, Clay Buchholtz, Shaun Marcum, Hiroki Kuroda, Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto

In Honor Of All Star Weekend

Kobe Not Doin' Work

Check out this great NBC piece about Kobe going on pace to being a bigger asshole.

Kobe Not Doin' Work

KG is Back And He's Ready To Kill (PS The Garden Is Still Kicking Fenways Ass)

I was at the Garden last night and it was, as the NBA would say, "Amazing." Not only was the place chock full of NBA Legends with Reggie Miller, Patrick Ewing and Doc Rivers (of fucking course) in the house. But the amount of talent on the court was awesome. How many Hall of Famers were on that court?

The crowd was electric from start to finish, you could literally feel the temperature in the place

heat up. People were ripping off layers like there was a winning Powerball Ticket hidden

beneath their GAP hoodie. The game was on TNT and whenever you're at a Nationally Televised

Game there are always a lot of breaks and the game takes forever. Sometimes that sucks, but

last night it just created more and more tension between the teams and more fire inside the Celts.

In the 4th Quarter The Garden felt like a College Arena in the Final Four or at the very least an Eastern Conference Final. At this point Ray Allen caught fire like only he can and was dropping perfect rim avoiding 3's with the D draped across him like a Mr. 3 Point America Sash and it was

like watching an amazing illusion. 
Magic Tricks.

Then this moment below happened and we could relax. Gino was never coming out of course, but the cigar was lit here and we all went home as better people for what we had just seen.

The Jungle reigns supreme in the best sports park/ arena in town battle. The Fans were knowledgeable and in symphony.
I think we learned over the past few weeks what KG means to this team, here's hoping the Big Ticket doesn't get ripped up again anytime soon.

-W

Vintage Shaq Outstanding

We got some vintage Diesel last night with Shaq Fu playing 35 min, going 10 for 12, Perfect FT%, 5 REB, 2 assists, 5 (!) Blocks, with 23 points.

Outstanding.

Brazilian Smash Dance

Brazilian Rafael Araujo in a FIBA Americas League game.

Soundtrack alone makes this worth 30 seconds.

Something Weird For Sunday

Rajon Rondo throws ball at Andersen Varejao's balls

Rondo Doesn't Like You As Much As You Like Him, But That's OK.

                     When I was engaged in the never ending battle between hormones and lower leg pain that is being 14 years old I had a friend who's Dad had a very important job with The Boston Celtics. We both went to a small school , played on the same basketball team and hung out with a group of about 5 guys who decided to occasionally take breaks from jerking off 52 times a day to play hoops, talk shit and often thanks to this kid go to Celtics games and sit in fantastic seats. Another great part about this was the access to the behind the scenes world of an NBA team, and at this time, a really fucking shitty NBA team. I saw a lot of amazing things in those couple of years I was friends with this kid. Antoine Walker was typically gregarious and moody. Pervis Ellison was a sulking mass of unreached potential. Bruce Bowen was a young player just trying to stay in the league and Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were simply young flies on the wall taking it all in. I smelled Red Auerbach's cigar smoke from two rooms away before I met him and he told me to "-go down to Fanueil Hall and look at my statue."
                      Also the first black man I ever saw naked was Dee Brown. Being white, of Irish heritage and 14 years old, this was a pretty disheartening moment in my life. This is one of the coolest periods of time in my life but I rarely even talk about it, even with friends, because it's juxtaposed with me and my buddy just being goons and not really even appreciating how fucking cool the whole thing was. However, I did learn a very valuable lesson during this time. Rather, the lesson took another 10 years or so to be learned, but this was the beginning of it all, the very first in a series. I met Micheal Fucking Jordan.
                      The 1997-1998 Season was a shitty one for the Bulls. They were finally winding down off of that three peat and starting to have all the typical problems of Post Championship a team that thinks "they are all All Stars now.". Phil Jackson wanted off this uncoachable Titanic, Scottie Pippen was asking for a ludicrously large contract 2 years too late. Despite this nonsense they still made the playoffs and Jordan was named MVP for the 5th and Final time. During this season on Halloween Night the Celtics shockingly beat the defending champion Bulls 92-85 after a huge 2nd Half effort from Dana Barros and rookie Chauncey Billups.   So to be fair, you can imagine Michael was not in the best mood when I met him. I was ushered with my buddy (who was the real guy getting introduced, I was like the Turtle to his Vince standing there like an asshole) to Jordans small private converted trainer room - locker room next to the one the rest of the team used. I saw Phil Jackson answering a reporters questions with a really scary look in his eye. As we were being brought into the room by a super important dude who I will not name, but nonetheless one of maybe 8 people in the building that can walk up to MJ without a problem, and MJ just glares at us all. "Not now." Then he looks at a guy in a Bulls warmup and we're ushered out. The VIP who brought us gave us a look like "Welcome to life." and moments later, MJ came out, halfheartedly shook our hands, denied two children under age 8 his autograph and got in a town car as the rest of his team got on a bus. I learned a lesson that would take me a few more snubbings and awkward conversations with athletes and celebrities over the following years. Trust me, it's better to just stay away, admire from afar and maintain the fantasy. You always either find out the person is a dick or that you yourself are a total dick who should never speak again.

Kobe tells Rondo that sometimes "No" means "Yes".

                     That's why I'm saying right now, if I ever walk into a Dunkin Donuts and Rajon Rondo is getting a large Iced with Skim milk and a Turbo Shot, I will walk right on by and put on my visor and get to work. Ok I kid, but I wouldn't fucking talk to him. Do I think Rondo is a dickhead? Absolutely not. Do I think Rondo is a great guy? I don't care.

      All I care about is how Rondo plays and how he acts on the court, but that's where some of his attitudes cause  alarm with my inner purist. Last night I stayed in from dragging out my crappy post Holiday mood into a Comedy Club to stay in and watch the Celtics take on the beleaguered Rockets. If you didn't watch it, the Celtics had less defense than a quadruple amputee and The Rockets had their way with the C's.
      The reason I decided to write about Rondo today though was an instance witnessed in the 1st Quarter. After a steal on a gamble on Chris Rock doppelganger Aaron Brooks, Rondo had a clear breakaway path to the basket with all the time in the world to lay it in, dunk it, or take it out to dinner. However for the second time in two games, Rondo stopped on the break, dead in front of the basket, handed the ball off to Ray for the assist. So he tacked on an assist. Some may read this and think, "So what? It was the 1st Quarter of a game we were supposed to dominate and he just got a triple double and blahblahblah". 
Garnett, West and Perk all sitting on the sidelines Rondo should not be thinking about anything but getting the orange in the hole. After his triple double last week Rondo said to a reporter something along the lines of "It's always nice to get an individual achievement, but it's all about the win and the team." . Maybe, but not totally. 
    Rajon Rondo may have a lot more in common with Michael Jordan than great handles.

    Alright, let's not be too hard on him. He's a a young player on an old team, and don't all young guys in the NBA have a a little swagger that's crucial to surviving in the league? Maybe, but Rondos Id has become, at times, an issue. Here's a quote from a great Jackie MacMullan piece about Rondo. (http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/playoffs/2009/columns/story?columnist=macmullan_jackie&page=Rondo-090423)
     "Two seasons ago, before the banners and the plaudits and applause, when Rondo was in charge of a team that won just 24 games, he'd throw a no-look bullet and when it was dropped out of bounds he'd roll his eyes in exasperation. If he set up a shooter for the open jumper and it clanged off the rim, the shooter was subjected to the Rondo stare, a look steeped in disdain and aggravation. Rivers hauled his supposed floor leader into his office and asked him, "Do you know your teammates hate playing with you?"


    Hmm. The phrases "healthy ego", "swagger", and "cocky" are also routinely tossed around in the media by members of the team and the organization. These can be honest praise but it can also be a sort of hidden code for "despite him, we win.". In the same Jackie Mac article Danny Ainge said "The single biggest thing with him, is getting him to compete night in and night out." These quotes are not new, they are from 08 and 09, so has he changed or gotten worse? Well, when I see him tossing easy baskets to Ray Allen to pad his stats, I shake my head like Michael J. Fox being asked if he's on coke.
      

The boys on Halloween. Rajon went as fellow enigma Tiger Woods. That's Delonte being V for Vendetta ( ! ). BTW see what NBA players eat?

          It's not up for debate that Rondo is one of the top PG in the NBA. He's got the ring and the steals and assists to prove that. He can stop griping about going 21st in the 6th round and about D. Rose. 
         Seeing Rajon Rondo play in person is something that cannot be described in words, the flow and speed can only bring yuppie-like contrasts to jazz and Mark Twain with the racism left in. Rondos signature "Fake Around The Back Pass To Floater/Lay Up In .43 Seconds" has become the most imitated playground move since Allen Iverson broke ankles like he was auditioning for a re-make of "Misery". Rondo is  starting to explore his scoring more and more, and according to Doc, has been determinedly working on improving his jump shot, the most glaring lapse in his skills. 
         Rondo is the future of this team, our beloved Boston Celtics. The past few years, right now, and the couple coming up may be it for awhile. If you were around just 5 years ago we were absolute junk. A year in year out developing rotation of undervalued youth. This could easily happen again, as Ray, Paul and KG all retire, Rondo will be the star, captain and official leader of the Boston Celtics. It's impossible to know what the future holds or what types of players will surround him. But will Rondo mature? What kind of veteran will Rondo be? What kind of leader will he be? Only time will tell, but watch closely and if you see Rondo out in public, Do what I do, avert your eyes and think about Dee Browns dick until you calm down.

This is the same face Avery Bradley made when he accidentally saw Rondos paycheck.