Is Boston The Hot Chick Of Sports?

                There comes a time in a comedians career when he's worked enough road gigs, that he will inevitably, either by accident or by design, insert a reference into his act. Typically in a line like: " Being a comedian I get to see a lot of different places..." or "I spend a lot of time in hotels..." or "I just got back from....".  This is usually just a comic being honest about his experiences, but is sometimes seen by comics who haven't worked the road yet as a bit of posturing or bragging. Sometimes this is true, and sometimes this isn't.
               So I've been working on the motherfucking road a bit more lately, and I usually am introduced as a "Boston Comedian". ( I don't ask for that, I specifically asked him to say "This next guy is America's Sweetheart with a huge **** and a taste for vengeance.", he did not comply). This kind of thing, plus a couple of jokes I have in my act about Boston Oxycontin Dealers, lead to a lot of post show mingle-talk about Boston. And when I mean we talk about Boston, I mean all we talk about is sports. That's all we really stand for to the rest of the nation. Sports and Ben Affleck. It's like when you go to Europe and realize that most Europeans think all Americans are lazy obese diabetics who eat at McDonalds everyday and you try and explain that there's much more to the US and it's really just the south and the middle that's like that. Even though when it comes to Boston, there's really isn't much more. Cool old buildings and dirty politics are interesting. But our sports franchises serve as a thermometer throughout history to our general popularity as a city. Sometimes we're the scrappy underdogs like Chicago ( those days are long gone right now) and other times we're kind of holding an admired dominance like Detroit did for a short while with the Red Wings and the Pistons (kind of like the Patriots Super Bowl Wins, 2004 Heart Orgasm, '07 World Series, '08 Celtics Champs). That's done too. A lot of people are scared that the Red Sox are becoming like the Yankees and just buying a great team every year.  And I think to some degree that's true. Does that make us villains as well or does it make Major League Baseball flawed and in need of a Cap? You can't expect the owners to not want to compete with New York and that's just the business of modern baseball. And we can only hope that Yankees fans continue to throw stuff at future free agents wives sending them to Philadelphia's Rotation that looks meaner than Charlie Rose after last call.

         I don't think we'll ever be as despised as New York as a sports town. Boston just doesn't have the same hateable qualities of Gotham City. We're not as big, we're not as cocky, we're not as fair weather, and our logo is not on every asshole alive's hat. 

         I actually think that right now Boston is the Hot Chick in the world of sports. Actually more properly known as "The Hottest Chick."..

         Those who have been unlucky enough to get drunk with me, or lucky enough to share a doobie with me have often been privy to my "Hottest Chick Theory". It's a very simple theory which is pretty clearly observed subconsciously all over the world. A girl is only as hot as the other girls around her. In every bar you've ever been in, there has been one chick who is the hottest. Not the bartender, or the a waitress or something, but one patron. She is getting the attention, she is getting drinks purchased for her, she has a rapt audience for funny cat related stories and sad ex boyfriend stories. Now this girl varies in attractiveness greatly. The hottest chick at a Soho Lounge that specializes in cocaine related drinks is gonna be different from the hottest chick at a Manchester CT TGIFridays, but they're both gonna get the exact same treatment from guys. 

      Men , as a rule, are pretty retarded. We're just going for the shiny new objects. We're going where it looks best at all times. We're predictable and simple. And those who represent our almost mongoloid-esque simplicity, are athletes. Talk to the average professional baseball player for 10 minutes and you'll want to drive nails into your eye balls within 5 minutes. Many guys are the same dudes that threw you into your locker and called you a fag, and they've never known a world where they weren't special.  See ball, hit ball. See girl, marry girl, cheat on girl on road. Nice team, nice chance of winning, go there. It's an almost zen level of an idiot savant.
           And Boston the hot girl at the bar. We are surrounded by douchebags in friday night striped shirts coated in hair gel. New York is hooking up with a married guy in a black out but Boston is looking like a dime. Right now Boston is looking like Jessica Alba doing yoga next to crying Jennifer Aniston.

       

        
                Boston is just plain attractive to athletes right now. A wise club owner once told me "...that nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd.". I nodded my head in agreement and finally understood why Octomom was so popular.  The same logic applies to the Commonwealth because we are killing it right now. The Pat's and Tom Terrific are on fire. The Celtics are 20-4 and looking to take the Larry O'Brien Trophy back where it belongs. The Red Sox Lineup looks pretty hard to stop and even the lowly (for now) Boston Bruins are making noise around town.
                Why wouldn't you want to come to Boston over New York if offered the same money? Sure, our media is tough but not as tough. Our fans are tough too, but not as tough as NY or Philly and twice as loyal and praising than those other cities. I also think we have intelligent fans with a rich history, I also think the athletes could give a shit about all that. They don't care about Legal Sea Foods or public schools. These guys are on the road half their lives and spend the off season someplace hot. They care about winning and playing on good teams that give them the chance to be the best they can be, and of course as rich as they can be too. Which is fine. We have that now. As long as we keep the winning going, we will continue to be the hot chick of sports and New York will be the aging cougar Roethlisberging drunk 21 year olds.
Which is A-Ok with me.

Love him or hate him, you'd do the exact same thing.